Hi All! I wanted to write this blog series in an effort to help communicate to parents and adults what *SOME* youth are thinking and feeling. While geared toward parents, it is not written as parenting advice and won’t apply to every teen. This is just a synopsis of what I have seen and heard from 1000s of students in the last 10 years. If the shoe fits your teen, wear it! If not, pass it along!
One of the coolest things about teenagers is the fact that they are independent, creative thinkers, but actually still really want adults input and advice. That said, they may not want YOUR advice. I don’t have all of the answers on why, but I want to help you to express love and advice that your students will receive.
Team Up
Kids love to listen to their friends’ parents. I know this was true of me and most of my friends. We almost all believed that we had a better “talking” relationship with other parents that our own. This was likely due to the removal of pressure, performance, and punishment (all of which are staples of parenting that should not be neglected). However, there was a freedom and openness in talking with other parents.
Obviously, if this is a normal case, invite other parents or trusted adults in! As a youth pastor for 5 years, I loved when parents would call and ask if I could “reinforce” a message to their teen or sometimes even just dig a little deeper in what was going on. It was an honor to partner with parents! Your son or daughter may thank this person or persons profusely for their advice and encouragement, even though you had said it 100 times and that’s okay. They will thank you in the long run!
God often surrounds you with the right people. You just need to not be afraid and let them in.
Love Languages
Learning how your child best receives love is critical! I love my parents deeply and I know they love me more, but in high school, it was sometimes tough for me. My dad, was ALWAYS doing stuff for me, fixing my car, paying my bills, never missed a game, and just providing for me. He modeled faithful church attendance and being a strong, faithful man and a leader. He expressed his love through these things every day of my life (and continues to!) However, the way I best receive love is through words of encouragement/affirmation and through physical touch. I knew he loved me, but for me to open up and be vulnerable with him would take a different expression of love than I was getting. (This is a story for another day, but I grew through this and have a much more enjoyable relationship with my father now!)
One primary way to offer advice is to actually not offer it! Instead, build relationship where students can begin to ask for it and trust that your advice doesn’t come with conditions, punishment, and/or mockery. (Again, healthy discipline and punishment are normal, important aspects of parents, but rarely in the moment of confession or seeking advice. Afterwards you can come to an agreement on appropriate disciple.) Invite your child into deeper relationship by finding their love language and reaching out to them in that way!
Physical Touch – is one of the primary love languages of guys. But, it manifests very different than one might think. Young men don’t want a gentle hug and you gently touching their arm. They want a high five, to wrestle, and on the worst days, to be embraced.
Quality Time – This personally is hard for me to love people in this way as I like to dig to the root of problems and begin to fix things. But over time I am learning to walk with students in this way. Sometimes, you just need to sit and listen. Not pushing things, just listening and enjoying time together. Taking your son or daughter out to eat is huge to them!
Words of Affirmation – Write encouraging notes. This often goes beyond simply speaking words, as you model love and affirmation more than speaking it. Writing letters begins to bridge that gap. Being faithful to what you say matters. Speaking words of truth and life over kids can help them shape their identity!
Gifts – Simple and thoughtful, a gift is a tangible expression for some kids. This isn’t a Christmas type gift, but rather something that shows you are thinking of them and care for them. I think this is a harder one for kids to separate from normal parent gestures, so I would combine in with a note of encouragement.
Acts of Service – Some kids really recognize when you serve them! Cleaning their room, doing their chores for them intermittently, and fixing up cars can all speak love to a child.
As I write these, I do believe that most teens of this generation “Z” respond best to the first 3. With the constant pressure of social media, the lack of identity in Christ, and little face to face time, students need their parents and other adults to be a stable place of love. It’s exhausting trying to be perfect. Break down walls with your teen and invite them into deeper conversation and true love, not one more “like” on social media.
I also want to include that you should have others speaking into your life as well as know your love language 🙂 You can do more research and even explore your love language at http://www.5lovelanguages.com
Blessings!
Laying Tiles 